Wives of servicemen face hurdles with deployment
Jack Wray got on the bus on a chilly winter morning, leaving Ann with her little four-year-old boy in her arms, full of mixed emotions. There had been plenty of notice, so Ann had time to prepare. Still, there was that obvious fear of the unknown, seeping down to the smallest details and stretching to what seemed like eternity. How would little Matthew react to a possibly long absence of his father? How would Ann manage? She was even worrying about what their relationship would be like after his return.
On the other hand, Ann felt quite fortunate when she looked at the other wives around them. From their countenance and tears, she could see that they were already not coping well. “My roommate was especially sad,” she said. “She didn’t start crying until her husband got on the bus, but then she really let it out.”
Ann believes that there are several factors helping her to cope with the difficult situation of having her husband leave for a possibly very dangerous war. Besides her faith in God, she has a good family support, and a strong relationship with her husband. “Many women are taking this very personal, as if the husbands had a choice and were deciding to leave them. I know that he is not leaving me. I knew when I married him that he would have been deployed sometime. It’s all part of his job.”
Of course, being deployed is a different reality in times of war. “I know that there is always the possibility that he might not come back,” Ann said. “It is all in God’s will. I have to trust God that His plan is the best.”
Ann has found that this deployment has stirred many women to get closer to God. “Many wives started to pray when they found out that their husbands were leaving. Some had never prayed ever since they were little girls,” she added.
The deployment has also drawn military wives closer to each other. There are some things that only other military wives seem to fully understand. “There are five of us living next to each other,” Ann said. “We go jogging together and meet every evening in someone’s house. Wednesdays are Taco nights.” The hardest times for them are the nights and the times when their husbands call. “It’s getting harder and harder to hang up the phone,” Ann continued.
Laurie Moulton, a counselor at Shadow Mountain Community Church, believes that it is very important for military wives to get together and support each other. “There are several groups helping in this respect, many offered by the military, but we saw the need here in our church for a support group which could also provide the spiritual aspect that military wives really need,” she said. SMCC has just started this type of support group. They have had their first meeting with a good attendance. “More wives will probably attend as more men are deployed,” she said.
“The program,” Moulton explained, “is meant to provide prayer support for military wives and a place where they can share their feelings, problems and victories. Older women who had their husbands deployed in other wars have offered to come and help with support and suggestions.” The support group is also open to military mothers or anyone who has a deployed relative.
Moulton advices military wives to look for support. “Many feel that they can do it on their own, or don’t want to bother other women with their problems, but it’s so much easier to do it together,” she said. Many other churches and organizations are setting up support groups right now.
Working with chaplains to start military wives support groups are also Michael and Andrea Steel. Formerly with Young Life, the Steels have a youth group going in the military bases, called Youth Adventure. For the military wives support group, they already have 12 women who have experienced the deployment of their husbands in previous wars and who volunteered to help.
A kick-off luncheon/game day was scheduled for Feb. 22 at the Murphy Canyon Church. Besides encouragement, friendship, and spiritual support, military wives often need a helping hand, someone to take the children when they are tired, someone to do the jobs around the house that their husbands were doing. Some need material help. Many enlisted men, especially in the first three ranks of the military, earn so little that their families often qualify for food stamps. Most people don’t realize the financial needs of military families.
Offering invaluable spiritual and material help to San Diego military wives is Military Outreach Ministries (MOM), formerly known as Military Parish Visitors. MOM is an outreach program for military families all over San Diego County, sponsored by the Presbyterian Churches of the area. Material help includes emergency food, formula, diapers, clothing, furniture, and transportation to appointments. Spiritual help includes prayer, referrals to local churches, and Bible studies.
Rev. Sandi Bowen, MOM’s director, said that the program helps hundreds of families. The number of families has increased since last November, with the first deployments to the Middle East. On the staff, there are three paid members, assigned to three different areas within the county. The rest of the work is done by hundreds of volunteers. “We still need more,” Bowen said.
MOM’s help is extended to anyone, regardless of religious beliefs. The group, however, considers itself a missionary outreach, and the invitation to prayer and Bible studies is always open, without any pressure to accept it. Bowen said that MOM is in the process of developing Christian support groups for military wives.
“We have craft classes in seven locations,” she said, “which, in some ways, are support groups, because the wives get together, talk to each other, and pray for each other. However, some of the wives have asked for support groups.” Bowen believes that support groups are crucial for military wives as they try to cope with the difficult reality of having their husbands involved in a serious war so far from home. “It is important that they don’t try to do it all on their own,” she explained. “They need to lean on their friends and on the Lord.”
As a practical advice, Rev. Bowen recommended military wives to get counsel on financial matters. “Be open to suggestions. Pride can get in the way, with disastrous results,” she said. Rev. Bowen found a much deeper spiritual hunger among military wives at this time. They are more eager to receive copies of the Bible and to attend Bible studies or to receive prayer. Between 20 and 30 people attend the Bible study regularly, and more are constantly joining.
Bowen took over MOM’s leadership about a year ago. At that time, she was a pastor looking for her next call. Since then, she found military families to be a very needy mission field, spiritually and materially.
Under the name of Military Parish Visitation (MPV), the organization started after World War II with branches all over the nation. Today, the San Diego branch is the only one standing. The name MOM was adopted last September. “It is more contemporary,” explained Bowen, “and it says what we really do. We are like surrogate Moms for some of these families.” Bowen attributes the organization’s success in San Diego to several factors. Besides the dedication and enthusiasm of the volunteers, MOM has the advantage of having a minimum of red tape. “Of course, we have some, but it’s not military red tape, and we can help families more promptly than military organizations,” Bowen said.
Another advantage is that all staff members are women, while most chaplains are men. “Military wives feel more comfortable talking about their problems to other wives and mothers,” Bowen continued. MOM, however, works hand-in-hand with the local chaplains. “It keeps doors open in the bases,” Bowen added.
If you are a military wife and need help, or if you want to volunteer, you can call MOM at (866) 973-8666.
For those who like to surf the web, here are some Christian sites for military wives and mothers:
• Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS), www.mops.org has a forum for military wives.
• Christian Military Fellowship, www.californiamilitary.org has interesting information and links.
• Military Moms, www.militarymoms .net, is a warm site run by a military mom and open to moms, dads, wives, husbands, and all. It has a forum, a chat room, and lots of information.
• The Army Spouse Website, www.armyspouse.org is interesting for any military spouse.
• Military Wives and Moms, at www.militarywivesandmoms.org has two separate forums.