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 My
wife and I love each other very much, but we're going through a
time of apathy. We just don't feel close to each other. Is this
normal, and is there a way to bring back the fire?
This
happens sooner or later in every marriage. A man and woman just
seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails for a period of time.
Their
plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels.
Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms
and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter
the doldrums. The doldrums were an area of the ocean near the equator
characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean
certain death for the entire crew. The ship's food and water supply
would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting
for a breeze to put them back on course.
Well,
marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught
in the romantic doldrums, causing a slow and painful death to the
relationship. Author Doug Fields, in his book "Creative Romance,"
writes: "Dating and romancing your spouse can change those
patterns, and it can be a lot of fun. There's no quick fix to a
stagnant marriage, of course, but you can lay aside the excuses
and begin to date your sweetheart." In fact, you might want
to try thinking like a teenager again. Let me explain.
Recall
for a moment the craziness of your dating days — the coy attitudes,
the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we
moved from courtship into marriage, most of us felt we should grow-up
and leave the game-playing behind. But we may not have matured as
much as we'd like to think. In some ways, our romantic relationships
will always bear some characteristics of adolescent sexuality. Adults
still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable,
excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses
are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course,
but they never fully disappear.
This
could help you keep vitality in your marriage. When things have
grown stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember
some old tricks. How about breakfast in bed? A kiss in the rain?
Or re-reading those old love letters together? A night in a nearby
hotel? Roasting marshmallows by an open fire? A phone call in the
middle of the day? A long-stem red rose and a love note? There are
dozens of ways to fill the sails with wind once more.
Dr.
James Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit
organization Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs; or www.family.org.
Questions and answers are excerpted from The
Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide and Bringing Up
Boys, both published by Tyndale House.
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