THE COURTSHIP ALTERNATIVE

My oldest son is approaching the age where we had previously agreed to allow him to date. The more I think about it, though, the more the whole idea concerns me. It seems that even in the best of dating situations, the negatives exceed the positives. I can’t help but feel that I’m setting my son up for failure. Several of my friends have adopted the concept of “courtship” rather than dating. Could you please explain this idea to me, and suggest which of the two arrangements you favor?

Simply put, the “courtship” concept is a reaction to the dating model that is thought by many to be unhealthy. Dating couples go through a series of short-term and often unsatisfying relationships over a period of five or 10 years or longer. As such, they are being taught to flit from one relationship to another like a honeybee buzzing from flower to flower. Wouldn’t they be more inclined later to bail out on a marriage partner when bored or frustrated?

Dating also encourages sexual familiarity and experimentation. It isn’t difficult to understand why an increasing number of parents feel this traditional model undermines commitment, exclusivity and permanence in marriage.

The courtship model, by contrast, seeks to postpone emotional and physical entanglements until they occur with the probable husband or wife. The family is very supportive in helping to choose that special individual for a serious courtship when the time is right. Until then, relationships between the sexes are limited to group situations in carefully controlled settings. Physical intimacy for the sake of titillation and experimentation is considered to be most inappropriate. It is the ultimate in “saving oneself” for the man or woman with whom a lifetime will be spent.

Many parents, and undoubtedly the majority of teen-agers, would consider the courtship model to be extreme and terribly restrictive. Not every teen-ager would tolerate it. I believe it is a good idea in those settings where both generations are committed to it and are willing to work together to make it successful. Courtship is not recommended in cases of adolescent rebellion or where there is great resistance to the idea. Whether or not to take this approach, therefore, is a matter for individual families to determine.

+ + +

We hear so much about mothers being depressed and unable to accept the empty nest when the kids leave home. In our family, however, it was Dad who took it hard. He went into a tailspin for more than a month. Is this unusual?

No, it happens very commonly. In a recent study, 189 parents of college freshmen were asked to report their feelings when their son or daughter left home. Surprisingly, the fathers took it harder than the mothers.

That resistance to the empty nest was the theme of the movie “Father of the Bride,” which was a hilarious and touching tribute to the love of a father for his daughter. When George, the dad, sat across from his daughter at the dinner table and learned that she was engaged, he took the news hard. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had to clear his vision when he saw his daughter as a baby girl, and then as a 10-year-old tomboy, and finally as a beautiful young woman of 18. His little girl had grown up so quickly and now she was leaving home. He would never again be the main man in the life of his precious daughter, and there was grieving to be done.

Why do men sometimes take the empty nest so hard? One of the chief explanations is regret. They have been so busy working hard that they let the years slip by almost unnoticed. Then suddenly they realize it is too late to build a relationship with the child who is leaving home forever.

These are excerpted from books written by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family and published by Tyndale House.