|  You described the “trapped”
feeling that causes some people to withdraw from their spouses.
I think that applies to my wife, who has been strangely distant
from me in recent years. Can you tell me more about what such a
person might be thinking?
The
feeling of entrapment begins with disrespect for a partner. For
example, a man may think these kinds of thoughts about his wife:
“Look
at Joan. She used to be rather pretty. Now with those 15 extra pounds,
she doesn’t even attract me anymore. Her lack of discipline
bothers me in other areas, too — the house is always in a
mess, and she seems totally disorganized. I made an enormous mistake
back there in my youth when I decided to marry her. Now I have to
spend the rest of my life — can you believe it — all
the years I have left tied up with someone I’m uninterested
in. Oh, I know Joanie is a good woman and I wouldn’t hurt
her for anything, but man! Is this what they call living?”
Or
Joanie may be doing some thinking of her own:
“Michael,
Michael, how different you are from what I first thought you to
be. You seemed so exciting and energetic in those early days. How
did you get to be such a bore? You work far too much and are so
tired when you come home. I can’t even get you to talk to
me, much less sweep me into ecstasy.
“Look
at him, sleeping on the couch with his mouth hanging open. I wish
his hair wasn’t falling out. Am I really going to invest my
entire lifetime in this aging man? Our friends don’t respect
him anymore, and he hasn’t received a promotion at the plant
for more than five years. He’s going nowhere — and he’s
taking me with him!”
If
Joanie and Michael are both thinking these entrapment thoughts,
it is obvious that their future together is in serious jeopardy.
But the typical situation is unilateral, as in your marriage. One
partner (of either gender) begins to chafe at the bit without revealing
to the other how his or her attitude has changed. A reasonably compassionate
person simply does not disclose these disturbing rumblings to someone
who loves him or her. Instead, a person’s behavior begins
to evolve in inexplicable ways.
He
may increase the frequency of his evening business meetings —
anything to be away from home more often. He may become irritable
or “deep in thought” or otherwise uncommunicative. He
may retreat into televised sports or fishing trips or poker with
the boys. He may provoke continuous fights over insignificant issues.
And of course, he may move out or find someone younger to play with.
A woman who feels trapped will reveal her disenchantment in similar
indirect ways.
+ + +
In
recent months, there have been two occasions where a woman at work
has made a pass at me. I love my wife deeply, have no interest in
this lady, and have communicated this to her in no uncertain terms.
Do you think I should share these incidents with my wife?
Yes,
I do. First, because I believe the healthiest marriages are those
that are open and honest on such matters. Second, because sharing
important information is a step toward accountability in a situation
that could prove dangerous. And third, because your wife should
be your best friend with whom you discuss troubling circumstances
and how they will be handled.
My only caution is that you should be careful not to reveal
these incidents in order to make your wife jealous or to use them
to manipulate her. Some spouses seize an opportunity like this to
play power games with a mate. Check out your motives carefully before
you talk to your wife and share the experience as objectively as
possible. She will appreciate you for it.
Finally,
I urge you to continue to reject the advances of the lady in your
office, regardless of how attractive she is or how flattering her
interest in you may be. To pursue her may give your ego a ride now,
but only pain and sorrow lie down that road — for her and
for you.
+ + +
How
should a person respond to someone who is in denial? I have a very
good friend whose wife is cheating on him, but he chooses not to
see it. Should I make him face reality?
There
is no blanket answer to that question, in view of all the thousands
of specific situations to which it could be applied. There are times
when denial is the only link to sanity or stability, and it must
be preserved. On other occasions, to break the bubble of illusion
can be a loving thing. Either way, it is risky to awaken a dreamer.
o
Excerpted from books written by Dr. James Dobson
of Focus on the Family.
|
