|  When
my wife left me for another man, I felt like the whole thing was
my fault. I still feel that way. I had never even looked at another
woman, yet here I am taking the blame for her affair. Rationally,
I know Iım being very unfair to myself, but I canıt help it. Or
can I?
It
is the typical reaction of a rejected spouse, like yourself, to
take full responsibility for the behavior of an unfaithful spouse.
The wounded partner -- the person who was clearly the victim --
is the one who suffers the greatest pangs of guilt and feelings
of inferiority.
How
strange that the one who tried to hold things together in the face
of rejection often finds himself wondering: ³How did I fail her?
I just wasnıt man enough to hold my woman. I am nothingı or she
wouldnıt have left. If only I had been more exciting as a sexual
partner. I drove her to it. I wasnıt handsome enough. I didnıt deserve
her in the first place.²
The
blame for marital disintegration is seldom the fault of the husband
or wife alone. It takes two to tango, as they say, and there is
always some measure of shared blame for a divorce. However, when
one marriage partner -- in this case, a wife -- makes up her mind
to behave irresponsibly, to become involved extramaritally, or to
run from her family commitments and obligations, she usually seeks
to justify her behavior by magnifying the failures of her spouse.
³You didnıt meet my needs, so I had to satisfy them somewhere else,²
is the familiar accusation. By increasing the guilt of her partner
in this way, she reduces her own culpability. For a husband or wife
with low self-esteem, these charges and recriminations are accepted
and internalized as indisputable facts.
You
must resist the temptation to take all the blame. Iım not recommending
that you sit around hating the memory of your wife. Bitterness and
resentment are emotional cancers that rot us from within. However,
I would encourage you to examine the facts carefully. Ask yourself
these questions: ³Despite my many mistakes and failures in my marriage,
did I value my family and try to preserve it? Did my wife decide
to destroy it and then seek justification for her actions? Was I
given a fair chance to resolve the areas of greatest irritation?
Could I have held her even if I had made all the changes she wanted?
Is it reasonable that I should hate myself for this thing that has
happened?²
If
you examine objectively what has occurred, you might begin to see
yourself as a victim of your wifeıs irresponsibility rather than
a worthless failure at the game of love.
o
These
are excerpted from books written by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on
the Family.
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