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 Do childhood traumas inevitably
twist and warp a person in the adult years?
No.
It is well known that difficult childhoods leave some people wounded
and disadvantaged, but for others, they fuel great achievement and
success. The difference appears to be a function of individual temperaments
and resourcefulness.
In
a classic study called “Cradles of Eminence,” Victor
and Mildred Goertzel investigated the home backgrounds of 400 highly
successful people. The researchers sought to identify the early
experiences that may have contributed to remarkable achievement.
All of the subjects were well-known for their accomplishments; they
included Einstein, Freud, Churchill, and many others.
The
backgrounds of these people proved very interesting. Three-fourths
of them came from troubled childhoods, enduring poverty, broken
homes or parental abuse. One-fourth had physical handicaps. Most
of those who became writers and playwrights had watched their own
parents embroiled in psychological dramas of one sort or another.
The researchers concluded that the need to compensate for disadvantages
was a major factor in the drive toward personal achievement.
One
of the best illustrations of this phenomenon is seen in the life
of Eleanor Roosevelt, the former first lady. Being orphaned at 10,
she underwent a childhood of utter anguish. She was very homely
and never felt she really belonged to anybody. According to Victor
Wilson of the Newhouse News Service, “She was a rather humorless
introvert, a young woman unbelievably shy, unable to overcome her
personal insecurity and with a conviction of her own inadequacy.”
The world knows, however, that Mrs. Roosevelt rose above her emotional
shackles. As Wilson said, “From some inner wellspring, Mrs.
Roosevelt summoned a tough, unyielding courage, tempered by remarkable
self-control and self-discipline.” That “inner wellspring”
has another appropriate name: compensation!
Obviously,
one’s attitude toward a handicap determines its impact on
his life. It has become popular to blame adverse circumstances for
irresponsible behavior; i.e., poverty causes crime, broken homes
produce juvenile delinquents, a sick society imposes drug addiction
on its youth. There is some truth in this assumption, since people
in those difficult circumstances are more likely to behave in destructive
ways. But they are not forced to do so. To say that adverse conditions
“cause” irresponsible behavior is to remove all responsibility
from the shoulders of the individual. The excuse is hollow. We must
each decide what we will do with inner doubt or outer hardship.
The
application to an individual family should be obvious. If a child
has gone through a traumatic experience or is physically disadvantaged,
his or her parents need not give up hope. They should identify his
or her strengths and natural abilities so that the child can use
them to overcome the hurdle. The problem that seems so formidable
today may become the inspiration for greatness tomorrow.
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You
have described two extremes which are both harmful to kids, being
too permissive and being too harsh. Which is the most common error
in Western cultures today?
Permissiveness
is more common and has been since the 1950s. But harshness and severity
still occur frequently as well. These dual dangers are equally harmful
to children and were described by Marguerite and Willard Beecher
in their book “Parents on the Run.” This is how they
saw the two extremes:
“The
adult-centered home of yesteryear made parents the masters and children
their slaves. The child-centered home of today has made parents
the slaves and children the masters. There is no true cooperation
in any master-slave relationship, and therefore no democracy. Neither
the restrictive-authoritative technique of rearing children nor
the newer ‘anything goes’ technique develop the genius
within the individual, because neither trains him to be self-reliant.
The way to raise healthy children is to find the safety of the middle
ground between disciplinary extremes.”
o
Excerpted from books written by Dr. James Dobson
of Focus on the Family.
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