Whatever your needs, just donπt drink the bath water!

By RICH CLINGMAN

Most articles about sexual addiction begin with statistics on the number of men dealing with sexual issues. But, those statistics only matter if youπre interested in theories. If you are a man who is finally ready to address your struggle with sexual issues then theories no longer matter. And if youπre older than 13, youπve probably been struggling for many, many years.

GUEST COMMENTARY

This writer is often seen as being very pragmatic. I want to know how Scripture applies to real people in everyday life. Iπm interested in talking to men who are ready to stop hiding behind stats and theories, pain and excuses; men who are ready to stop saying, ≥I just need to pray more and try harder;≤ men who are really ready to count the costs of being a disciple of Jesus; men who are desperate to know if there is really any hope for a changed life. Other men and I want to put II Corinthians 1:4 into action: Allowing the comfort with which weπve been comforted to overflow into other lives. We want to encourage those men who believe they are alone, those too afraid of betrayal or rejection to reach out to others, those who have looked into the future and see no hope of escape if they continue things as they are.

Many people wonder whether a ≥real Christian≤ can be stuck in a cycle of sexual sin. Shouldnπt someone who is born again be free from sexual immorality? Yes, that is certainly Godπs stated plan and desire for our lives. It is also Godπs stated plan and desire that ≥real Christians≤ be free of gluttony, gossip, envy, laziness, self-centeredness and many other sins that are often seen as more acceptable than sexual sin. It is Godπs stated plan and desire to have each of us conformed to the image of Christ in all facets of life—to grow into the image of Christ.

So whatπs the hang-up for men? Why do so many ≥real Christian≤ men continue to return to unhealthy sexual gratification when they know this is not Godπs plan and they are desperate to change?

Sexual addition rarely has to do with sex alone. It is more often an attempt — whether understood by the man or not —to fill a God-given underlying need. Sex has become a perversion, a distortion, a counterfeit way of filling the need. In his book Breaking Free — Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of Jesus, Russell Willingham discusses the malnourished heart and six areas of genuine need in the heart of the sex addict: nurture, acceptance, security, competence, independence, and impact. If we can come to understand the true need we are trying desperately to fill and the healthy ways to meet that need, then we will find that breaking free of the addiction cycle becomes a real possibility. As we experience filling our needs of nurture or acceptance or security in true ways, the counterfeit loses its hold.

At the recent ≥Unleashed≤ conference held at The Rock Church, therapist and sexual-addiction speaker Aaron Reinicke told a story from his own life that illustrates this concept.

As a new father, Aaron was in the bathroom shaving while his toddler son took a bath. When the boyπs play quieted, Aaron saw him drinking soapy water from his plastic boat. ≥Hey, Buddy, donπt drink that water. Itπs yucky.≤ The boy complied for a while, but a moment later his father had to say again, ≥Donπt drink the bath water.≤ Again the boy complied. The third time Aaron saw the boy raising the boat to his lips, rather than scolding, a thought hit him: Maybe heπs thirsty! He handed his son a cup of ≥good≤ water, the boy gulped it down, and for the remainder of his bath never returned to drinking from the tub.

Like that toddler, many men have a need inside that they learned to quench in inappropriate ways. Desperate to fill the need, we turned to ≥bath water,≤ not realizing the consequences that might follow. For the toddler, the unforeseen risks might be a tummy ache and diarrhea, but for the man who turns to sexual comfort to fill his needs, the risks can be isolation, a lost job, a broken marriage, damaged children.

In an effort to expand opportunities for men ready to change, this September four new For Men Only groups will be starting in San Diego and Orange Counties. The objective of FMO is to aid, encourage and support men who are rejecting passivity and actively working with God in becoming conformed to Christπs image in the area of sexual integrity. In addition to FMO, there are 12-Step programs and other groups and resources to assist men in turning away from sex as the answer for the needs within. The first step is to finally admit, ≥I canπt do it alone,≤ to muster the courage to put James 5:16 into action and ≥confess your sins to each other.≤

For more information on FMO groups and other support resources, go to www.fmoheal.com or call 858-FMO-HEAL (858-366-4325).

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Rich Clingman is a Christian man who three and a half years ago finally found the courage to reach out to others to help fill God-given needs in his life, and is the assistant leader of the North County FMO group.